While TRUST is the most crucial necessity in any form of relationship, ALLIANCE is what that relationship rests upon… I mean, not even ‘rests’… Alliance is all that you actually have. Well… you don’t even necessarily HAVE it…..
According to Niccolo Machiavelli, â€œIt is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be bothâ€. Fear and love are both reasons for someone to align themselves with you. Not fear of YOU, necessarily. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being able to say they’re in a relationship. Fear for a woman of not having kids before she reaches her 40s. Fear for a guy of not coming home to prepared meals & definite sex. These motivations behind alliances LOOK the same as love, but the focus is different. The person is avoiding pain instead of pursuing pleasure.
The problem with that is that you won’t know what the motivation is for someone’s alliance with you until it’s tested… As long as everything’s going well, you might feel that the other person’s in your corner… you’re on the same page… moving in the same direction. As soon as there’s an issue, scripts may become flipped and “true colors” may become apparent. Of course, there are lots of cases where the person’s motivations are respectable, and situations can either be worked out, or both parties can agree to disagree and move on in whatever new direction this relationship is going. In other cases, there are certain ploys you can count on your friend/girlfriend/wife/whatever to resort to in order to try to get their way.
These are all natural reactions and often played out ‘in the heat of the moment’, except that that very HEAT is where people lose control of themselves… I should say where they lose control of the front they were putting up because they feared losing their relationship to you or at the very least feared losing status in your eyes, even if the relationship continued. Once that front is removed, you get to see… if you’re looking closely enough and have your wits about you while things are getting ugly, who you’re really dealing with and what they’re really thinking about you. It may not even be personal. They may think the same way about everyone… It’s just that now YOU know that you’re not exempt. You’re not special to them. They were aligned with you because they were getting what they wanted from you, and now there’s been a split…… A split between what they want and what you have for them. This is the time to keep your eyes open and your mind prepared to perceive treachery occurring right under your nose in the place where you least expected it.
Withholding and Blackmail are similar. The difference is that Blackmail offers you a way out, if you’re willing to comply with her demands. Blackmail is like in the movies, where someone has hostages, and they say they want a helicopter and five million dollars in $20s. 😀 Withholding is just plain “you.can’t.get.XYZ”, where XYZ is whatever you used to be getting from her. If she was cooking for you, forget it. If she was sexing you, forget it. If she was picking you up from work, forget it. WHATEVER you were getting before, you can’t get it now, because she’s decided that what she wants is more important than her relationship to you.
If you’re paying attention when this change comes over her, you’ll realize that she’s only doing what she does for you and being the person you thought she naturally was BECAUSE you’re doing things that she wants done for her. As soon as you become not[the guy that does XYZ for her], all bets are off. You may as well be a stranger in the street as far as she’s concerned. She’s turned off to you so your ALLIANCE is currently out the window as well as all the benefits that came with her perception of you as the guy that always does things her way.
There are easy ways around Withholding. Act like she’s right. Buy her some flowers. Tell her you thought about it and you were wrong. Don’t tell her anything, just whatever you vetoed that she asked you for, make it happen. There are lots of other techniques that guys have been using since the cavemen….. The question is “do you really want to continue a relationship with someone like this?” You’re only rewarding bad behavior by caving in to her ‘demands’. You’re training her that as soon as she withholds from you, you’re going to give her what she wants, so you may as well not veto anything ever again. Just bear it… don’t even bother grinning.
Blackmail is just about the same thing, except she’ll tell you what you need to do in order to have your privileges restored. Let’s say that Withdrawl is the passive version, and Blackmail is the active version. You get to hear about what’s going to happen if you don’t comply. 😀 Obviously, this is way more egregious than Withdrawl. Withdrawl leaves you the choice of placating her or not. Blackmail informs you that there are going to be “consequences & repercussions” [Eddie Murphy, “Life”] in response to your actions/words/decisions that set this whole thing off. Consequences might be that the relationship is over between you or no sex or she’s going to get loud with you or throw your clothes out the window or go hook up with your friend that’s been trying to hook up with her behind your back. 😀
It’s clear if she’s trying to Blackmail you that she thinks she has some kind of power over you… and maybe she DOES! hahahaha… But if she doesn’t, the question remains… Is this the type of person that you want aligned with you? Do you want to be with someone that’s really out for her own best interests, and you can be down with her as long as you’re the goose that lays the golden eggs? 😀
Guilt Trips are simultaneously the funniest and most pathetic, gut-wrenching ploys, IMO. 😀 It’s really embarrassing when someone tries to pull cards or call in favors that weren’t favors at the time. What’s embarrassing about it is that this person that you’ve aligned yourself with has ZERO FAITH in your alliance with them. It’s gut-wrenching because they’re accusing you of being the type of WEASEL that they themselves actually are, coming at you with these primitive tactics! 😀 They actually believe your character is as lame as theirs is… which is pathetic, because it’s a reflection of your ability to judge someone’s character that this idiot right in front of you thinks they can change your mind by calling in markers. The conversation basically goes like this:
I want XYZ
You can’t get it
Give it to me
You can’t get it
You’d better give it to me
You can’t get it
Remember I did ABC for you blah blah blah blah blah
There are two problems here. #1 is that she thinks your character is so weak that you didn’t consider the situation at all before you announced your veto. She thinks that by reminding you of something she did for you, either in the past or just a minute before the disagreement started that you’re suddenly going to change your mind. Pathetic. :/ Problem #2 is that….. At the time that she did ABC for you, she WANTED TO DO IT, and you probably didn’t even ASK her to do it, and she ENJOYED doing it and it was a fond memory that you had of your relationship with her.
NOW, she’s reaching back and acting like she did it only to build equity with you for a “rainy day” like today. She’s poisoning memories that you have with her by dragging them into the present to try to use as bargaining chips against your weak character that can be easily bought off after you already considered the situation and delivered your decision. Well… Which one is it? Was she being manipulative THEN and doing things to keep you doing what you do for her? Or is she being manipulative NOW and trying to change history from an authentic alliance with you to a series of favors she’s done for you with the intent to cash in her chips when she felt it was necessary?
Either way, it sucks. :/ If your alliance with each other were authentic, manipulation would neither be necessary or even a thought. “The heat of the moment” should lead to an appeal for consideration based on history together and alliance, and both of those things should be well considered by you before decisions are made final.
I think love is better than fear. Fear is only useful as long as it remains constant. As soon as whatever it is that they fear diminishes or overwhelms them, all bets are off. As soon as they fear something more than the fear that caused them to align themselves with you or you’re no longer perceived as “the one” that is shielding them from whatever it is they fear, you’ll be dealing with a completely different person.
This is why it’s important to keep your wits about you as soon as something goes wrong in a relationship. Pay attention… Keep your eyes peeled for that double black cat… the glitch in the matrix that tells you something’s suddenly changed about this person and you can temporarily see deeper into their REAL way of being and what they really think of you than you usually can…….