Bill Cammack

“Sexting” is the word they made up for people that text to each other about sex. I thought I knew what that meant, but I found out I totally didn’t. :D

For maybe the fifth time, I thought this Tiger Woods fiasco was over and I had really stopped thinking about it, especially since the new scandal is Sandra Bullock’s problems. Unfortunately, I had this conversation recently, which, paraphrasing, went something like this:

Tyme: Do you think Tiger’s wife will get mad about the sexts?
Bill: (Mad Confident) Nope! :D That’s old news.
Tyme: But this chick just released his text messages to the press.
Bill: It doesn’t matter. She already knew about them before his apology.
Tyme: She put them on a website [link].
Bill: (Crazy Bored) ok… I’ll check it out *click*.. There’s no way that OH ****!!!! :O
Tyme: HAHAHAHA
Bill: OH ****!!!! :O
Tyme: HAHAHAHA
Bill: OH ****!!!! :O

So that’s how I received my education in what sexting really is. :) Granted, there’s no guarantee of authenticity because some chick wrote something on a website that those words were actually sent to her, but still… I was under the impression that sexting was when people texted “Come over at 11pm after my girlfriend goes to sleep” and stuff like that. I thought they were texts that were trying to SET UP sex. I didn’t realize that people were doing cybersex over cell phones. :/ Like, OMG, Amateur Hour! :D

History Of Cybersex

Cybersex went out of style SO LONG AGO that I had actually forgotten about it entirely. The only thing more ancient (and creepy) than cybersex is those phone chat lines they used to advertise on late-night NYC public access (free televison) porno shows. You know, those joints where there was some chick that was cute and she would act like she was talking and then they’d overdub some other chick’s voice over the top saying stuff like “Oooh.. I’m waiting here to talk to you… I’m so lonely” and then dudes were supposed to get something out of talking to girls that they ASSUMED looked like the actresses on the commercials on a party chat line where they were paying by the minute? HAHAHA I mean, that’s what I heard.

So then, after that ridiculousness came cybersex, which was pretty cool at first, because it was something new, but it pretty quickly went out of style. Those were the AOL Chat Room days where you’d go to the main room, see who was saying what and then try to talk to chicks that “sounded” like chicks you might want to kick it with IRL… Except you WEREN’T going to kick it to them IRL because none of us really existed. :D

So then after that was the MiGente.com period. This was fantastic because local people were trying to get local raps, so each chick would put her best pictures online which classily displayed both her ass and her face at the same time. Somehow, there was an overabundance of chicks from The Bronx… but you know how chicks are up there! :P~~~

Anyway, I thought MiGente marked the end of the cybersex era. Girls were so easy to lay IRL off that site that I figured nobody would be interested in texting back and forth ever again. Thanks to some porno chick that Tiger was messing with, I found out otherwise.

Don’t Try This At Home

Now, first of all, fellaz.. And this should be common sense… But if you’re not the type of guy to tell a chick “Back the **** up off me and take your hands off my cell phone!”, then maybe sexting isn’t for you. O_o Maybe you should just stick to doing your dirt f2f & IRL and save yourself the broken windows and crashed cars.

The reason I was shocked while reading Tiger’s alleged sexts wasn’t because the language was, er.. well, it wasn’t because of the language itself, but because this may have been the greatest fumble of them all, and it may not be recoverable.

Basically.. If you’re trying to hook up with a chick, you only tell her as much as you need to tell her to get her to lay down. This is especially true if you want to marry said female. The more you look like a Herb when it comes to sex, the better off you are. This is because when you finally get on, while you’re ******* her, she’s fantasizing that you’re sharing something impressively romantic together.

Because of this, you want to say as little as possible and let her imagination do the rest. If she has a nice ass… Don’t mention it! :D If the way she moves on the dance floor makes you imagine how it would be to be with her in bed… DON’T MENTION IT! :D Nothing. Keep it all under the hat and act like you only feel like having sex with her when divine intervention takes over your soul and motivates you to make love to her.

This is all well and good until she finds out something that blows her fantasy, such as now that she’s out of shape, you’re not motivated to have sex with her anymore. Good Luck with suggesting she hit the gym so maybe she can get some.

It gets worse if you’re found to have cheated on her. It gets worse if you were found to have cheated on her with chicks she considers skanks. It gets worse if she finds out you were screwing actual porno chicks. It gets worse if she finds out you were paying them. It gets worse if she finds out you were paying them for threesomes…..

Fumble Recovery

As deep a hole as that may be to get out of, you can still do it with some tricks of the trade….. Which you probably don’t have available to you if you’ve fumbled so badly already. See, If you can convince her that you were doing the same activities with THEM that you were doing with HER, you can still save your own ass by shelling out the $40,000 USD for rehab, claiming to suddenly become religious and swearing off women entirely. Granted, it’s a longshot… but statistically, there’s a sliiiiight chance you can get away with this…….. Assuming she never finds out what you actually said or did to the other chicks.

Dudes usually go the wrong route with this and attempt to convince their woman that the sex they had with the next chick(s) was DIFFERENT from the sex they had with their woman up until she found out what time it was. Nope. Really bad error. If she thinks the sex was different, she’s going to “OH!… That’s what he wanted to do WITH ME!!! >:(” and then you’re done off.

If she thinks you like getting blown by a chick under a table with a cigar, all that playing it off you did that you actually enjoyed her boring-ass vanilla missionary-position sex is out the window.

Unfortunately, the same applies to sexts… Whether you actually got to do it or not, if your woman finds out you told some chick “After I *** you better start ******* my **** to get it hard” and/or “I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust” and/or “I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you.. Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my **** in your *** and then shove it down your throat.. Hold you down while I choke you and **** that *** that I own.. Then im going to tell you to shut the **** up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise”…… it’s a tough row to hoe to get back to “The kids are asleep, let’s make love, honey! :D”

Desperate Measures

To be fair.. He can still get over with “Ha-HAAAA… Come on, honey! I was talking to a porno chick. You know how they are. I was just role-playing! :D”. If he had been caught saying that stuff to some regular chick, he would have been SOL. Still, if your woman actually believes a) that you SAID that stuff and b) that you LIKE that stuff, that’s what she’s going to be thinking about every time you suggest “making love” to her. She’s going to assume (probably correctly) that when y’all were hooking up, you were fantasizing about doing all this porno stuff to her while she was fantasizing about running through a field of flowers into your arms and collapsing on the grass together.

That’s why I’m hoping for his sake that this is the worst fumble in his repertoire and it’s all uphill from here. As long as you can play it off that you were “tempted by conniving whores”, your chances aren’t horrible. Once she feels like you were the ringleader, setting up and paying for some kind of 3-ring circus freak-show sex carnival, your chances become slim to none…

And “Slim” left town.